Faith. I am having a hard time keeping the faith. I don’t understand why God isn’t giving us better news when it comes to Julie’s cancer. I am struggling with why bad things happen to good people and I just can’t make sense of why God would put this on Julie & Brendan’s shoulder.
Those of you who have been with me since I was young know I was raised catholic, confirmed in the catholic church, and grew up attending Sunday Mass. But for reasons to long to explain in a blog, I had a bit of a falling out with the church my freshman year in college. I have always believed in God, but when I was a Freshman I quit going to church and became somewhat disgruntled with the Catholic Church. A few years later I decided I missed it, and I wanted to go back to church. I got up early one Sunday and made my way to St. Mary’s Catholic Church in College Station. Well, it just so happens that the Mass I picked to attend was all in Spanish…and I don’t speak Spanish. I took this as a sign that I was not suppose to return to the church at that time. I have always had faith, but like any smart educated person, I questioned some of the things I had been taught.
Long story short, I ended up going back to the Catholic Church after 9/11. Being in D.C. on that day and the days after was a scary thing. I knew God was on my side when I attended church on September 14. It was a horrible week. We had military humvee’s on every corner with men in uniform brandishing large automatic weapons. On my way to work I would pass soldiers and anti-aircraft missile launchers (in the middle of a city). We had fighter jets patrolling our skies, when no other aircraft was allowed to fly. You couldn’t get anywhere near the pentagon and various building were on full-scale lockdown. As you can imagine, I was a nervous crying wreck as I continued to go to work every day that week, as if all systems were normal. When I went to church on the 14th, God took my fear away. I can’t explain it, but I walked in that church a mess, and I walked out with a since of utter calm. That is when I knew it was time to return.
The whole reason I started this story was to talk about how this situation has been making me question God’s power and the lesson I am suppose to be learning out of all of this. I have been asking all my friends that I consider to be “really religious”…what they can make of it. I got an answer tonight from my friend Tenequa that I wanted to share.
I need to trust that God is in control and will take care of everyone and that we cannot lose faith now because that is what the devil wants us to do. Now is the time that we must double our efforts.
I read something last night that I try to keep reminding myself, “Belief is not the absence of doubt, but the decision to stand in the midst of your doubts.” If you know me, you know I am stubborn and stand by my decisions. I am willing to hang in and do whatever it takes to give Julie & Brendan support to fight the cancer. I hope everyone hangs in there with us and continues to keep the faith.