Missing Her (Again)

I went for a jog today in sunny West Palm Beach, Florida. It was Blue clear sky, birds flying above and I was listening to my ipod.  I found myself bawling. It seemingly came out of nowhere.   I missed her so much.  I was overcome with grief.  Every memory I had came flooding back to me.  I remembered the years we spent trying to run as exercise; the years we spent just hanging out on a blue clear sky day; at the Beach House, at Bay Area Park, Riding our Bikes, Hanging at the Pool. Every turn reminded me of her.  Songs on my ipod hit a cord with me (I get by with a little help from my friends, I’ll be Missing You.  Here comes the Sun.)  I found myself running and bawling.  Full on chest heaving bawling.  (God knows what the retired people thought in this sleepy little golf community).  If I am honest, the only other time I cried like this was the night Julie passed.  I was at her bedside, on my knees, chest heaving bawling when I realized she was gone.  

 

I have lost grandparents, aunts and uncles, casual friends, and dogs, but nothing prepared me for this kind of grief.   Now I know what they mean when they say it comes in waves.  Today, missing Julie knocked the wind out of me.  And yet the Blue Clear Sky reminded me that life goes on, and I have to get back in the drivers seat and continue on..until I meet Jules in heaven. 

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11 Responses to Missing Her (Again)

  1. April says:

    Leaving a post is something that I never do, but your post really touched me. Take care and my prayers go out to you and the rest of the family

  2. VA/OM says:

    Hey, sweetie…add a bit of old Jackson Browne to your list…it will speak to you in important ways as you try to make sense of it all….it is never going to be right again….just different from what you always knew and always counted on. You live your life now ba**s out….Julie would have and would certainly want you to. I truly hope this is the last time you ever have to feel this deep, unending sadness in your life. I think of Julie every single day, and she was my new-found treasure of a friend. I can only imagine……no I can’t imagine……how heavy your heart is sometimes. Just keep living the good life for her. THAT’S her gift to you as her best friend. I hope when you are 58, you still find those memories every single day….they will mean so much in your life. Cry when it comes with all the gusto with which you laugh ….those tears will bring healing one day. Not soon. But one day.

    Sending hugs,

    VA (OM)

  3. Pam C says:

    Just an ant in the army checking in and extending a friendly welcome from the south end of Palm Beach County. Small world. You didn’t say why you are doing in WPB other than running but hope you enjoy the rest of your trip.

  4. One night I had a dream. I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and across the skies flashed scenes from my life. In each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One was mine, and one was the Lord’s. When the last scene of my life appeared before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand, and, to my surprise, I noticed that many times along the path of my life there was only one set of footprints. And I noticed that it was at the lowest and saddest times in my life. I asked the Lord about it: “Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way. But I notice that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why you left my side when I needed you most.” The Lord said: “My precious child, I never left you during your time of trial. Where you see only one set of footprints, I was carrying you.”

    ….I absoluely love that one….and I love you! Keep your head up…it gets better I promise!!

    Love

    -Rob

  5. Brendan says:

    I hear ya Jenn… the waves just aren’t stopping. I am just bobbing up and down in the water wearing my life vest composed of friends and family. I suggest you don one as well.

    Sometimes the waves are huge and my head falls beneath the waterline but my life vest pops me back up for air just before I drown in it.

    Thanks for being there for me.

  6. jackson4 says:

    I am starting to realize that it gets MUCH harder before it gets any easier. We have to remember the signs that she has sent to Brendan and the ways that she has made her presence known to everyone. She is with us. While we can’t touch her and call her and hear her voice calling to us we do know that she is with us. And I think in those times that we break down she is with us the most.

  7. shirl says:

    I am at a total loss for words to comfort all of you….It has been difficult, hasn’t it…
    We, too, just got back from a trip to Florida. We drove to San Marco Island , which is a lonnnnnggg way down there, to attend the Star Buildings Annual meeting. The first day we were mostly in silence. It wasn’t until the end of the day that we shared with each other how difficult the drive was for both of us to Pensacola. The drive to Pensacola brought back lots of memories for us.
    Mine started almost as soon as we left, because it was 2 years ago that the Lyons family attended the Star meeting in Ft. Lauderdale. Joe put me on a plane to meet them and I was picked up at the airport and we toodled around in that Toyota van (I think it was…). We had a wonderful time! Then they put me back on the plane and they drove on to Orlando for a family vacation–all 5 of them…before we knew Kendall! That was such a fun time for us!
    But other memories along the way, started as soon as getting into Louisianna, because I remembered Brendan’s job down–his first time to “go off’ on a job… and hearing about the drives back and forth. Then I saw the New Orleans signs and I suddenly remembered that Julie and I drove to New Orleans to attend a Star meeting, and of course, we had a great time being tourists. Going over the Attachafalya Bayou–I thought of Julie and Brendan’s trip in the ice storm…
    Then I went back to, maybe 20 years—when we drove to Florida for Rebecca Hall’s wedding, in Crestview, Florida. We loaded up those 4 Kids in that green and white van and took off. Joe kkept mentioning, “the last time…..”
    When we got into Alabama, we stopped at the Welcome Center. The red, white, and blue decorated tree that was in the lobby was gone. But the lady working there remembered the tree. the 4 are in front of that tree. We even found the big ole tree outside , where we got another picture. In fact, Joe and I stopped and took photos of each other under that tree.
    Then on down the road….And we got to Mobile at the same time that we did 20 years ago!–I remember, because it was 5 o’clock traffic going into the tunnel! And the memories just went on and on until we got to Pensacola. And of course there was the trip down to Ft. Walton Beach….
    But then after that first night, we were ok. And I have to say, we did enjoy the trip.
    We went because Star always has a part in their program the last night, at the Banquet, to “remember those ” who have left us.”, as they say. Usually, there are a number of old people that are recognized….this year, there was only one–Julie. It was a brief, but very poignant sharing, with photos of her and her family. There was absolute silence momentarily….but it was very touching…

    WOW! I know this is long…guess it was something I really needed to share…not sure how many will make it here to the end.
    Thanks Jennifer, for allowing me to take up this space…”shirl

  8. Brad says:

    Shirl — if you keep those long comments up we are going to make you get your own blog! 🙂 … thanks for sharing!

    Jen — I’m pretty good at the internets, so I had seen your post once or twice already before right now… I just didn’t know what to say when I read it. Still don’t I suppose, but I promised myself I would come back and comment…

    Love you lots … and I know it is really hard on you. Sorry 😦

  9. Care says:

    Hey Jen – thinking of you… hope you had a nice Easter.

  10. Amy says:

    Jen, this post was very moving. Julie is deeply missed. I have had some random memories pop up recently, and it sends a wave of emotions flooding over me. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you and those who were so close to Julie. I pray that the days ahead are full of joy and happiness for you.

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