Two weeks ago I found out why Carson has been so sick. He has melanoma. You kind of have to let that sink in. My dog is dying from the same thing my best friend died from..Melanoma….the illness I have put many hours into to educate others, raise money, and spread the word. I don’t know…is that Ironic? The vet called to tell me the tumor they removed from Carson’s mouth was “an aggressive form of cancer called Melanoma. I am not sure if you are familiar with Melanoma but…” I cut him off. I told him that unfortunately I was intimately aware of Melanoma. They gave Carson 4-6 months at most. Apparently his tumor was pretty large. The sad state of his kidneys and the tumor on his lungs can now be attributed to the melanoma having metastasized (spread to other parts of the body).
So, as Julie told me with Murphy, “Jen, you know what you need to do.” And I do know what I need to do. I got the number of a vet who will come to my house and put Carson down. (In fact, I got the number from my cousin Kristi who just put down her fabulous yellow lab, Tex.) I would rather it be at home for Carson. He hates the Vet and he isn’t much on car rides since he got sick.
My friend posted a fantastic blog today on the death of a pet (she is a much better writer than I am and has a way with words…you should read it..just click on the link above). It made me bawl because I am struggling with the same thing with Carson. I want to put him down before things get bad. I know he is sick. I know the outcome…I witnessed it 2 years ago. I don’t want to wait until the tumor goes to his brain or pushes on his spine and he can’t walk, or overwhelms his lungs and he can’t breathe. I have the number of the vet who will come to my house. I just can’t dial the damn number. I think about it when he has a bad day…he sleeps all day and doesn’t want to eat. I say, “I am calling the vet tomorrow.” Then tomorrow comes and he is peppy (relatively), eating, and seemingly content. Then I think what if I call this vet, she shows up and I say put down my dog…and there is Carson, happy, tail wagging, peppy. What will she think. I know the vet will understand with his diagnosis. But I can’t get the chorus out of my head that says you killed him before his time. I know that chorus is ridiculous…I know that.
I truly don’t want to wait until he is in pain or can’t function. I was thinking about doing it on Monday the 15th as it is a government holiday and I will have the day off. But then the snowpocolypse gives me a good excuse to delay the inevitable. Another friend gave me a great perspective today. Perhaps this snow storm has been a gift. Here I get to spend 4 days (more likely going to be 6-7 days) with him. He is in hog heaven. He spends his day finding me and falling asleep at my feet. He loves the snow (loves to eat it) and he likes going for walks in the snow. In fact, we had a bit of a Standoff today…he refused to go home after we went on a long walk. I stood there talking, coaxing, and arguing with him for 5 minutes. I physically had to get behind him and push his butt over the snow ledge back to the front yard. Once he was in the front yard he knew it was over. But he walked about 1 mph to the front door. Even in death he maintains his Stubborness…that is my kind of dog.
So maybe soon is best. He will go out on a high note. Happy, Content. Who knows, I am going to play it by ear.
BTW – I have other non-depressing, non-snow related posts that I am working on..
BTW2 – Yes, get over it, My dog’s middle name is in honor of a President.